i really hate when people fake the keeping in touch thing.....

merry xmas

ive decided that for christmas im going to give my mother a book of all my journal entries since i was younger......maybe it will help her feel better.

anticipation.

my fingers are still cold from sitting outside so long........it wasnt supposed to rain but i guess mother nature decided it needed the drink. talking to mallory sometimes makes me really sentimental and wanting to search for memories....although once i find them i dont want to think about them anymore. why dig and think about things that have no meaning anymore. i suppose its because it helps me realize where i am in life. i drank tonight because my cramps were so bad and i felt like alcohol would help...i did.......i wish i didnt drink. im looking around and feeling so lonely and out of it and im wanting to talk to someone......its so false. im listening to music to suit my mood and enable me to be depressed. its all bullshit. i have a cat on my lap who is purring so loud i had to turn up the music. if he only knew. this air is bad for me. this season is bad for me. this is the season that i attatch all of my memories to. the air the smell the feeling the chill the wind the colors. kill me.

one time at like 6am i got home from the diner and i was so wound up i didnt go to bed, i waited untill my mom left for work and i grabbed my camera and i stood on the train tracks and i took pictures of the snow. there was nothing else but snow. i held a cigarette in my mouth and i took pictures. chris showed up and called me out on my picture taking "you just wanted an excuse to smoke a cigarette"...he was right and we got in the car and drove and took more pictures in the snow. i havent changed. i still want to take pictures and smoke cigarettes and drive around and be up at all hours of the night and do ridiculous things. the only problem is that im not so on edge anymore, im not walking on eggshells, im not scared of existing, im not terrified of the one that i love and im not unable to sleep due to fear. im not trying to impress, im not trying to capture or keep or do something cool. i look back at said memory and want to change my ways and make myself crawl into bed instead of texting him and telling him to come get me after my mom went to work. i want to force myself to go to bed and sleep and be normal. if i had done that would i be where i am today? i wish my life was like one of those books...the ones that let you choose your own ending.....i always read every possible scenerio before i made a choice. i still to this day wish i could see every possible ending before i make a decision about what i even eat for dinner.

i stopped drinking because i want to be a 00 again before i get married, but secretly i think its because when i drink to much i usually wind up alone and questioning my life and why i wound up with someone as good as jon.....subconciously i think if i think about it to much it will disapear.

ive always been the girl that every boy wants to date. every boy ive ever dated has told me how his friends wanted to date me, growing up still a virgin i had boys surrounding me deeming me a slut and a whore just because i was so innocent and wouldnt get with anyone....songs written about me, secret journal entries devoted just to me that i found by accident and cried over....friends that i thought were really friends that secretly wanted nothing but to fuck me...boys that i did actually decide to date that treated me like shit and cheated on me and made me feel worthless....it seems like now i should be happy where i am. i mean, dont get me wrong i count my blessings from life everyday, i am the happiest i have ever ever ever ever ever been in my life and i would probably kill a family member to keep it but i just still dont have that self confidence that one would think i should have. being the girl that everyone wanted to fuck doesnt make me feel good, it makes me feel low and ugly and gross and like a tease when really i was innocent and didnt have a fucking clue. really it just fucked me up big time.


really i just am still not 100%. im still learning how to be an adult. transitioning is proving harder than it looked in the movies.


still i wouldnt trade anything in this entire world for where i am at right now.......not even 10 million dollars.....id rather be living in a box on the dirty street if it meant that i would be with jon.

jon is the best thing that has ever happened to me. he will never leave me, never lie to me, never desert me, never hurt me, never do anything to harm me, never yell at me, never berate me, never talk down to me, never criticize me, never question me, never not trust me, never call me a liar, never tell me im not good enough, never expect more from me than i can give, never hate me for being so sick all the time, never ask me to change, never tell me my dinners arnt good enough, never tell me i need to clean, never tell me i need to do anything, never accuse me of cheating because he knows i would never ever ever ever ever ever do that to him. he will never do anything to question my love or put me in the position to have to "prove" it to him.

sometimes i feel as if i dont deserve this. sometimes i feel like im the only one i know that deserves this.

im going to go crawl into bed, next to jon and i bet he will roll over and kiss me mid sleep like he always does.







writing is such bullshit right now. i wont write what i want to write and i wont let it out, ill think about it untill i cant sleep for days and then i will write about it in my head and open this webpage once again and sit in front of it and write some bullshit excuse of an entry to help satisfy the depression that is looming above my dirty black hair of a brain. i feel like no matter waht i do sometimes i will never relieve myself of some of these thoughts. its never ending. they will forever be here......maybe years and years down the road they will slowly disapear and i will forget them, i can only wish. i will never really write about what chris did to me, how he hurt my self esteem, how he ruined me as a person....how he ruined me sexually and physically and mentally. i will never be able to write it down for real because, well, because i think i dont even want to face it myself. id rather shut off my words and be silent during small arguments and id rather not open my mouth or my thoughts or my brain and id rather not really say how i feel about myself because then i would be weak. im not a weak person. im not a weak person. im not that kind of girl. but i am. deep deep deep down inside i really am that weak girl and i really do hate myself. how am i supposed to let that out? in real life i am strong and have opinions and views and outlooks and i really do have words....but how am i supposed to let that come out when i am in a real functioning relationship? its just never the time, and i feel as if jon already knows these things about me without me even having to state them......he just knows. and for that i could not be grateful enough, because why wear this ring on my finger if its not the real deal? i am 100% positive that this is the real deal, and tonight during an episode of "how i met you mother" when jon drunkenly told me that he would go insane if i ever left him i doubt that he really thought for that one split second about how insane i would have to be to ever leave HIM. there is no me thinking about him leaving me.......if there was then i wouldnt be here, in this apartment with 2 cats and the debt that we have.....and i say we because it is OUR debt. there is no me and him, there is only we. only we for ever and ever and ever. only we. only ever we, untill WE die. i can safely say i love him and i have never been able to safely say that about anyone ever before in my life.

i really dislike the fact that there are things in my life i can not discuss with anyone but certain people...i.e. jon at 3:40am when he needs to wake up at 7:30am and there i am in the bedroom shaking him asking him to put on clothes and wake up so he can come outside in the rain so i can smoke a cigarette while talking and he has to listen to me babble thru my tears about said things, hug me 100 times and tell me everything is going to be okay until my whimpering stops and my snot recedes back into my nose. my eyes are so puffy i can barely read the words as i type them. why dont i have friends at 4 in the morning anymore? wait....did i ever? no.... i never did. if i would have known tonights proceedings i would have never suggested steve come over so that he wouldnt be on the couch right now and i wouldnt have to stiffle my sniffling and whimpering. maybe its better because otherwise i would have probably broken out into full on hysterics. my brain can not handle this shit. it can not process this garbage. too many years of this heart wrenching bloody mess. too many years.

i had a conversation with don the other day about insomnia and how people claim to have it when they really dont. he told me about some girl that posted something on facebook saying "insomnia is setting in" at 8:30pm. really? im offended. my insomnia posts dont start untill at least 5am, and even at 5am i know that i can still catch some sleep, maybe. having insomnia is not a fucking joke. it has ruined my life at points, its really ruined me. getting 3 hours of sleep a night for 3 or 6 weeks in a row does not make a healthy person. taking sleep aids such as nyquill or tylenol pm and still not being able to sleep does not make a healthy person. one night i tried to explain what it takes for me to even be able to lay in bed to one of my friends, i thought he was going to think i was the most craziest person hes ever met. im going to write it out again, in hopes to make myself feel as if im not that insane, altho im sure it will have great opposite effects.

my nightly routine includes:
i cannot even begin to go to sleep untill i have finished something. whether it be the end of a song, a last cigarette, the end of a conversation, the end of a tv show or movie...whatever it is. and god forbid im doing multiple things at once. for example, if im listening to music and talking to someone and smoking a cigarette (which i tell myself is my last)....if the song does not end at the same time i finish my conversation and say goodnight as well as finish my cigarette, i need to wait untill it comes around again and all finishes at the same time. the song, cigarette and "goodnight" need to all happen at the same time. sometimes this will take an hour on its own.

once everything "ends" at the same time i now can shut my computer, turn off the tv and start my nightly routine which consists of: locking all the doors, even if they are already locked i must check. i make sure the cats have food and water, if the water looks dirty i change it. i check the stove 2 or 4 times to make sure that all the knobs are on "off". this came from coming home one night and my entire apt smelling of gas because one of the knobs was in the "on" position, most likely from one of the cats. then i turn off all lights except the one livingroom lamp. i brush my teeth and rinse with listerine while peeing. i have to either pee or wash my hands as im rinsing because it forces me to keep it in my mouth long enough for it to work. then i have to wash my face and put cream on it. then i wait untill my face is dry and i put more cream on. then i go to the kitchen and get a cup of ice water, not a regular cup but one of the "big" cups of water and i have to put a lot of ice in it, like 10 cubes and a straw. i have to have a straw or im afraid that when im half asleep i will spill the cold water all over myself and onto the bed, also i need a lot of cubes so that it stays cold for most of the night. finally i can go get into bed. if its to hot i have to have the fan on and air conditioning on super low so that it gets freezing, if its winter i have to put on the heat and still have the fan on incase it gets to hot durring the night. the tv must be on and on nick at nite, but not the reg nick at night, the cali nick at night so that at 6am it doesnt turn to nickelodeon...it stays untill 9 and then switches over. also, if a show is on that i do not like i can not sleep. i have to stay awake untill a show is on that i do like. if there is a show on that i dont like i will flip the channels and watch something else untill the shows i do like come on nick at night. once a show is playing that i like i can only close my eyes durring commercials, when the show comes back on i open my eyes and watch it, commercials i close again. im pretty sure that for the past 3 years i have fallen asleep only when commercials are playing.

so that is on a good night. on a night when jon is waking up at 5 or 6 or even 7 am i will stay awake, im not sure why but i get paranoid that he wont wake up so i stay awake to make sure he does. once he leaves i have to take his pillow and put it behind me right up against my back and i have to take my second pillow and place it up against the wall so when i put my arm underneath the pillow i actually sleep on my hand doesnt hit the cold wall. this actually goes for sleeping in general.


doing this sober is the hardest thing on earth.

when i cant sleep at all and even the california nick at night turns into nickelodeon then i know my life is over. i have to turn it to morning talk shows such as maury and steve wilkos and then i will never sleep because i HAVE to find out what is going to happen.

basically, i have real insomnia. im always exhausted yet i can never sleep.
its not a joke and its not funny.


so fuck you.

i used to write such amazing things, what happened?

i have no one i can call, how discouraging.