long time

its been a long time. i started this journal and i neglected it, just like i knew i would. im sorry. who am i even apologizing to? i dont even know. it doesnt matter. im sitting outside at almost 5 in the morning and this is the only time i have to write and its pathetic. i actually have nothing to say, i feel like writing out what i want to say is too time consuming, how disgusting is that? its almost 5 am and all i can think about is how shitty of a mother im being for staying up late drinking while my husband sleeps and waits for the baby to wake up. fuck. i told him ill get the baby, but that doesnt even matter at this point, im up drinking and i feel like an asshole for having time to myself. ok thats it, i cant write anymore im already done. what a wasted entry.


fuck me i cant even write anymore? have i lost that much of myself? it sickens me to think that that is true. but i guess it is. ill save my thoughts for my brain when im trying to sleep. shit.

im back

i had to tell one of my good friends that i couldnt come to their wedding tonight. devistating. tomorrow a "hurricane" is coming. tonight, i feel stuck in poverty. i havent written in anything in so long, not a paper jounral and not an online journal, for reasons that i wish to not talk about right now because ill just get mad. the last thing i wanted to do was not go to this wedding. its killing me inside. i tried to ride it out as long as possible. this is the first time im on my lap top in i dont even know how long, its nice to find some good play lists on my itunes that i forgot about. i have the length of one beer to be writing whatever im going to be writing and i dont like to feel limited, but i suppose thats how its going to go tonight. already in the 9 sentences i wrote im all over the place, that seems about right. i hope no one ever finds this journal, i hope ive been off the radar long enough that no one will be looking for it. i hate writing when i know people will read it, wait no, i hate writing when i know that certain people will read it. i suppose that comes with writing something online. id rather strangers find it than someone that i know that i havent actually given the address to. my baby is due to wake up rather soon and my husband is on the couch sleeping awaiting the cries. is it wrong that i hope im not still up drinking beer and smoking cigarettes when she does wake up? ill feel stupid for sitting out on the balcony alone writing. thats wrong, i shouldnt feel stupid but i know i will. you know what else is stupid? the fact that i havent actually typed on a keyboard in so long that im writing as if auto correct is going to fix my errors, thanks iphone. i feel so out of touch with writing and it bothers me. its the one thing that has kept me sane for so long and i stopped doing it because of outside infulences of people reading it and commenting and just i dont know, i just stopped. i dont know why i do that to myself. god, the playlist that im listening to right now was created for writing in the first place and it feels so comfortable listening and typing along. i wish i had more to spill. i have tons to spill but i feel like i need to become more familiar with this again before im able to just jump right into it again. weird. it kind of makes me sad, it means that ive been away so long that this has become foreign to me and that is just ridiculous because ive spent my entire life writing away and now all of a sudden im shy with it. i feel like i need to force myself to write about something in depth as punishment.

ok so here goes? i wish my sister would write. i wish she would find comfort in writing down her thoughts and expressing what she was thinking in a way that would help her. i wish my mom would write to help herself, she is an excellent writer. im an excellent writer, it was only a matter of time. im not sure how long i can keep this a secret before i tell jon, im sure ill tell him in the morning.....or when he wakes up with the baby and im still outside at 4am, no wait, 430am. we still have to pack up the chairs and the table from the balcony...but we can do that in the morning i guess. im not that worried about this storm.

im sad because a lot of my friends think im not cool anymore now that i have a baby. im still cool, fuck.

i have to be almost done because my beer is almost gone and i refuse to go inside, walk passed sleeping said jon and get a beer and come back outside at 430 in the morning. i want this music playlist to keep going, though.

one cigarette and im done. i wish it was still easy to be retaredly immature.

i just feel shitty tonight now after writing to my friend.


done.